One Really Weird Day
by Keridwen
Summary: When the Crew find themselves bored on a star charting mission - things get a little (ok, a lot) out of control- FINISHED YEAH FOR ME! Please R&R.
1. The First Mistake

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the original characters.  
  
  
  
  
  
When it all came down to it, the meeting was about the proper use of a synthesizer, but no one saw it in exactly that manner. To find out what happened, Mr. Spock suggested that going back to the start would be the most profitable course of action. Therefore that is where we must also head to fully understand the events that took place on the USS Enterprise that day. We will now go back to the beginning…(warp sound effects and corny music)  
  
Kirk could tell that mischief was in the air. Sitting down at his usual table in the recreation room of the Enterprise, he silently observed his crew from the corner of his eye. All seemed normal. Lieutenants Uhura and Sulu were drinking coffee in the center of the room and discussing the day's events. A group off to his right were watching a falosion crewman weave a blanket without a loom. This was particularly interesting for the only instruments the falosion used were its fifty-two opposable fingers/ tentacles. Other than that, and the various crewmen peering into library readers or watching entertainment vids, there was nobody else there.  
  
He began to set up a game of chess. Soon, first officer Spock would be back from the science lab and Kirk had a particularly interesting scenario he had wanted to try on the Vulcan's skills. Playing on a popular Vulcan saying as a joke, he called the scenario The Needs of the Many. The scene was set to strengthen the positions of the other pieces as the king made a series of disastrous first moves, frequently putting its self in jeopardy. Kirk counted on the beginning moves, which were totally illogical, to surprise Spock. All Kirk usually needed were a few moves of indecision on Spocks part to totally wreak havoc on a chessboard.  
  
It had been a generally stressful day and beating the pants off Spock was just what Kirk needed to make it go right. They had begun early in ships morning, charting stars and traveling a high speeds. The ship was strained, but Kirk stressed speed with this mission. Star charting missions strained on a crew moral, and it would be far better in the long run to get his crew back to exploration. The Enterprise was a floating barge of scientific genius. There were specialists from eleven different worlds, and on a star charting mission, most of them were sitting in the science labs wasting brain cells of routine quasars and black holes. That wasn't especially what they had joined starfleet to do, so Kirk often tried to end these missions ASAP.  
  
The doors to the rec. room swished open and Doctor McCoy appeared, looked around, and made a beeline for the Captains table.  
  
"Hey Jim, You'll never believe what I've made!"  
  
Not waiting for an invitation, he pulled up a chair and plunked himself down next to the Captain. Kirk groaned. The last time McCoy had been experimenting in the synthesis lab, the sanitation team was busy for days cleaning up colored goo from the walls and the floor.  
  
"Don't worry Jim, the doctor assured, I kept the power on low, and edible party balloons are the furthest thing from my mind."  
  
"So," said the Captain, obviously not assured, "what have you made?"  
  
McCoy lifted a bucket onto the table and removed the lid. It was filled to the brim with loose circular objects. At first Jim thought the Doctor had synthesized a bucket of worms. But upon closer inspection he found that the objects were not alike but made of a loose rubbery material. He picked one up.  
  
"Their rubber bands Jim!"  
  
"Rubber bands," the Captain replied, seriously wondering about the doctors sanity.  
  
"Yes," continued McCoy enthusiastically, "They were used frequently about 250 years ago to bind up sheaves of documents."  
  
"Oh", said the captain, not entirely reassured, "Why rubber bands?"  
  
"Watch this."  
  
The doctor took one out of the bucket and stretched it over the tip of his pointer finger. He casually aimed it at the next table and let go. With a small twang, the miniature missile shot thought he air. A moment later, Yeoman rand leaped up from her seat, holding her behind in surprise. Kirk smirked at the spectacle and then remembered he was the Captain and regained his composure.  
  
"You have a seriously twisted imagination McCoy!"  
  
"Come on Jim," the doctor urged, "Give it a try. I think I'm gonna prescribe it as a stress reliever."  
  
Jim looked down at the bucked of ammo and sighed. It had been a long day after all, and if anybody got mad he could always blame McCoy. He reached for a rubber band. McCoy grinned as Kirk lifted his hand and sighted his way across the room at the table of coffee drinkers. Three seconds later Lt. Uhura squealed and began to furiously clean up the coffee that had spilled all over the place. She looked down at the mess, and raised her eyebrows as she pulled a rubber band from what was left of her drink. She looked over to the captain's table, but Kirk and McCoy were in seemingly deep conversation over the setup of the chess game.  
  
It was at that moment that commander Spock chose to enter.  
  
"Hello Spock, how are the star charts coming?"  
  
"Very well captain," said Mr. Spock as he sat at the table, "There are many fascinating areas which Starfleet may wish to send science vessels to at a later date…"  
  
The conversation abruptly stopped as a fit of giggling, a noise seldom heard on the Enterprise, came from one of the tables. Commander Spock slowly reached up and pulled a rubber band that had looped itself onto the point of his ear. He analyzed the object as McCoy silently began having a fit of hysterics.  
  
"Well Spock," said the captain trying valiantly to hold in his own laughter, "What is it?"  
  
"What ever this may be called, captain," said Spock, "  
  
It seems to be having a strange effect on the crew."  
  
McCoy couldn't stand it anymore.  
  
"It's called a rubber band, Spock. You see, about 200 years ago, enlightenment came to the people of earth, many strange rituals followed. The one I am now referring to involves a sacrifice of several wild pigeons, the burning of ones underclothing, rubber bands, and the consumption of large amounts of breakfast cereal. Now you see, there were two factions, and both needed the rubber bands for their part in the ritual. There were the lesser participants, or the froot loops as they were commonly called, and they ate of the cereals in the junior league, and then there were the champions, who of course ate The Breakfast of Champions. Next, after the sacrifice, came the burning of…"  
  
Kirk clapped a hand over McCoy's mouth before he could say anything else to damage the future of the human race.  
  
"Don't listen to him, Spock, a rubber band was just a device invented to hold documents together in a bundle. This was before the popularity of the old disk drives, you know, when everything important was written of printed." Spock raised an eyebrow.  
  
"I see, and what purpose did it serve to fling such a useful device at unsuspecting victims?"  
  
"Stress relief, Spock," said McCoy bringing his bucket back up from its hiding place under the table and picked out another large specimen. He fired at a table sitter, but it went wide and hit one of the VID watchers in the back of the head. A silent war began between the rest of the crew and the two humans at the chess table, with Spock moving his chair out of range so as to observe this phenomena more clearly. Th odds were even at this point due to the bucket being in the possession of the Captain and the Doctor, but the coffee drinkers at the other tables were beginning to catch on. They collected and conserved their ammo, and called others to aid them with shouts of, "come-on, It's us verses the Captain and the Doc, and, Five credits to anyone who gets a clean shot on Captain Kirk! McCoy and Kirk then found it prudent to move their line of defense behind one of the larger rec room couches. Nurse Chapel and Doctor M'Benga literally walked into the middle of it all and rolled for shelter behind the Captains couch. The conservationists were fouling up the offensive strategy of the Captains team and after a few minutes McCoy stuck his head up and shouted, Common Uhura, No fair hogging the ammo. He was rewarded with a fleet of rubber bands aimed at his head. Lieutenant Aldebrand shouted back, "You fired the first shot Doctor, and then someone unidentified added good naturedly, Hey Doc, didn't your people loose that fight too. McCoy laughed and retaliated, "I ain't admitting nothing to no damn Yankee."  
  
The teams reassembled after that remark. Spock noticed that many of the crewmen from the southern part of the eastern part of the north American continent joined the doctor, while the captain defected to Leutenant Aldebrands coffee table declaring himself proud to bee one of them damn Yankees. A short and brief reenactment of what Spock assumed to be the American civil war followed. Captain Kirk and his Yankees won in less than ten minutes, mainly due to the fact that he had taken the ammo bucket with him when he defected. A short mock ceremony followed with McCoy and Kirk shaking hands over the one table left standing in the room while a crewman keyed the speakers to play a loud and brassy tune which someone identified to him later as Dixie. Spock had ironically found the scene quite explainable, if not totally logical. Any other offworlder would have left the room declaring that everyone was being affected by some kind of human mental illness, but Spock understood this particular crews fascination with the history of their world. Captain Kirk liked to have crewmembers that had taken earth history classes at the academy, and requested them. When Spock had asked him about this peculiarity, he had answered, "I like a crew Spock who can understand who they are and where they come from. If someone understands the mistakes of their forefathers they are less likely to repeat them. That is a quality that brings out discernment and caution in a person, and out here in space, new recruits can't have enough of that." Spock found the captains statement quite logical, and was no longer surprised when plays and entertainment nights on the Enterprise often had a historical theme.  
  
The teams reassembled themselves once more as crewmen left and new ones joined. Lieutenant Sulu cried "Heres some fresh meat as he pummeled and unsuspecting ensign Checkov as he walked through the door. The frenzy began to pick up again, Captain Kirk called for reinforcements while Chief engineer Scott built up a more efficient barracks and then quickly took shelter behind them. Suddenly Ensign DuBois leaped to his feet and shouted, "To me men! Come-on Sulu, the fortress shall not stand the night!"  
  
"Over ma dead body," called Scotty. "This wall is as impenetrable as the grand land o Scotland ever was." The Captain dragged his couch over to Scotty's fortress, and helped his engineer defend the homeland, while Dubious led many semi successful raids. It seemed to Spock that Dubois was about to get the upperhand when Lt Sulu came up with the ingenues idea of using antigrav pads to bomb people from above. Spock whose mind was still sorting out the historical theme of it all thought he had figured it out when what appeared to be the battle of Hastings turned out to be The Battle of Britain, complete with antiaircraft fire, and (And how this fit Spock could never figure out) the theme from Rocky as a background accompaniment to the battle. The frenzy picked up and more crewmen scrambled for cover. Lieutenant Uhura had found a fairly large sculpture in the corner and had slipped herself between it and the wall. She had brought her empty coffee cup with her and was picking ammo off of the sculpture as if they were ornaments on a Christmas tree.  
  
At that moment Spock found himself to be the object of much attention when Ensign Bradley loudly offered ten credits to the next person who ringed one on someone's ear. Spock found it a prudent moment to join the captain behind his bunker.  
  
"Ah, Mr. Spock, glad you could join us," said the Captain while firing randomly over the wall. "I believe things have gotten a little out of hand."  
  
"Indeed, Captain," Agreed Spock, refusing the ammo offered to him by Mr. Scott, "I would also like to report that some unknown party has sent Lieutenants Burns and Kogawa, and Crewman Isiney down to the synthesizer to acquire more ammo."  
  
"Oh no! Owww!," Said the captain as one of the rubber bands from Sulu's squadron found it's mark. "How about protecting your Captain Spock!"  
  
"Is that an order captain?"  
  
"Oh lighten up Spock," said McCoy diving into the bunker in front of a malicious barrage of rubber bands.  
  
"You seem to be making a lot of enemies today, Doctor?"  
  
The two of them laughed for a moment and the laughter, along with all of the other noise in the room, stopped.  
  
"Gentlemen, said Spock, I believe someone has adjusted the gravity of this room."  
  
McCoy, who was now floating three feet above spocks head, said sarcastically, "Jeez Spock what ever gave you that Idea."  
  
"WEEEEEE!" cried Sulu as he floated past McCoy and shot a rubber band.  
  
And the game continued. 


	2. A New Face: An Old Game

Disclaimer: Any people you recognize from the TV show aren't mine.  
  
Thank you to all reviewers. You all resuscitated my ego and inspired me to keep going.( First Chapter is polished up for all of you picky grammer people. ( sorry!  
  
CHAPTER 2  
  
  
  
It was a twenty minutes until the melee had ceased. The loss of gravity was due to an incredible amount of energy being used up by the synthesizer. Scotty swore it would never happen again and grumbled his way down to engineering to personally deal with the crewman who had diverted power from gravity controls to make king size pillows. The crewman was properly dressed down, but Scotty failed to get the pillows in time. They were already up in the rec. room.  
  
  
  
Reinforcements had arrived soon after the gravity had been restored. Beta shift had just come off duty and was delighted to join in. By the time Kirk had called a halt, 25 crewmembers had prepared for an assault on 'officers country'. Kirk's makeshift barracks now concealed himself, Spock, Scotty, McCoy, Uhura, Zybrowski, and Smith. A white pillowcase was waved in surrender, coffee tables were tipped upright, and order was slowly restored. McCoy began to collect rubber bands from the combatants.  
  
  
  
"Red Alert! Red Alert! Captain to the bridge. All hands Red Alert!  
  
  
  
As the group looked from one to another in surprise, Kirk was already halfway out of the room.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Lieutenant commander Eliza Marie Stanton disappointedly looked around the bridge of the Enterprise. All was quiet, everyone was gone. She sat down in the center seat and sighed.  
  
Being of high rank on the Enterprise brought you one of two things. Renown and prestige all over the universe, or third shift bridge duty for a year. She stared at the empty stations. It was between the times of Alpha and Beta shifts when the bridge of the Enterprise was empty except for the officer at the con. All of the stations had been switched to automation, and the buzzes and beeps of the control panels were the only sound in the room.  
  
  
  
" Hmm HM Hmm Hmm HMM HMM HMMMM AAARUGHH!"  
  
  
  
Ok so humming didn't work. Maybe music will drown out that annoying beeping. Liza sighed and brought up a song list on the screen.  
  
  
  
"No"  
  
  
  
"Nope"  
  
  
  
"To alien"  
  
  
  
"To stupid"  
  
  
  
"UUGGH!"  
  
Ok music wasn't going to work either.  
  
Liza put her feet down and turned the chair to the turbo lift, hoping someone would come.  
  
Then she turned back to the helm.  
  
Then she turned a full circle.  
  
Hmmm not bad!  
  
The next time she put her full weight into the push.  
  
  
  
"WEEEEEEE" cried Liza as she spun dizzying circles in the center command chair of the USS Enterprise. She began to laugh at her newfound distraction.  
  
  
  
"WEEEEEEE."  
  
  
  
"AAAYEEEE!"  
  
  
  
Right in the middle of one of her turns, the gravity had cut out, and now she was spinning like a dervish somewhere near the ceiling. Liza grabbed for the first thing she saw, the communications panel. Her head had a floaty feeling and her stomach felt like there were a dozen Gorns inside her dancing the fox trot.  
  
  
  
"Bridge to engineering, What the heck is going on!"  
  
  
  
"Um uhh… . hey don't forget the pillows…. Uh Bridge hello! Bridge"  
  
  
  
Eliza rolled her eyes, "This is the bridge. Where is Commander Scott? Why has the gravity failed? Who the hell is this?!!"  
  
  
  
"Uhthisisensigntomas, Um gravity failed due to power surge, it will be back on in a minute, engineering out!"  
  
  
  
Liza smacked the console as if it were the Ensign's head.  
  
  
  
"Bridge to Rec Deck one, is anyone down there?"  
  
  
  
The tunes to "staying alive" floated in through the intercom, along with cries and laughter and loud thumping and twanging noises.  
  
  
  
"Has everyone on this ship lost their mind!" Liza said to no one in particular.  
  
  
  
The gravity slowly came back, and Liza floated right down on top of the helm. After resituating herself in the center seat, she compiled a report on all that had just occurred and sent it down to the Captains computer. "For all the good that will do me, she thought aloud, "I swear Kirk wouldn't care if I didn't show up. Nothing happens here anyway!"  
  
  
  
As soon as the words were out of her mouth, consoles all over the bridge began to sound. Liza ran from one to the other, looking into viewers and reading signals. Each one confirmed the findings that were spit out of the science station.  
  
  
  
A Klingon bird of prey had just come into firing range.  
  
  
  
With weapon on full power. 


	3. The Wrong Place with the Wrong Klingon

Disclaimer: STAR TREK NOT MINE!  
  
Thanks again to reviewers and sorry about how long I've taken. I had a Macbeth paper and a report on the Industrial Revolution in between now and then, and even starving artists have to sleep! ( although the average trekkie needs approximatly 2.782195 hours less sleep than the normal terran specimin.)  
  
Chapter 3: In the Wrong Place with the Wrong Klingon.  
  
The bridge doors flew open and Captain James T Kirk sailed in under full power, ready for anything.  
  
What he found was a nearly empty bridge with one frantic Lieutenant pacing the walkway in front of the view screen and muttering to herself. On the screen was a Klingon Bird of Prey.  
  
"Sir," the lieutenant reported as soon as she saw him, "The Klingon ship came up on our pot side. She has weapons powered up and now demands our immediate surrender."  
  
Bridge crew began to pour in at that moment. He turned to the young officer. She was new, recently assigned. Spock had welcomed her aboard two days ago and he hadn't gotten around to introducing himself.  
  
"Shields are up and the helm and navigational stations are freed from automatic control."  
  
"Very good, Lieutenant…"  
  
"Stanton, sir."  
  
"Yes, Stanton. Take navigations please Lieutenant."  
  
Kirk turned to the communications station. "Uhura, open a channel to the Klingon commander."  
  
"Channel open sir."  
  
"This is Captain James T…"  
  
The Klingon commander cut off Kirk from giving his usual introduction.  
  
"I know who you are, Kirk. I despised you even before you were born. Destiny has brought us here today. Look now, Captain Kirk, upon the face of the one who will destroy you.  
  
The Klingon made a noise between a laugh and a growl. He folded his arms a Kirk and waited.  
  
Kirk stared at the Klingon unmoved. It was hard to believe that one lonely bird of prey was challenging the Enterprise to a shoot out. I was suicide for the Klingon, and the reactions of his bridge crew showed it. Spock sat still with his eyebrow climbing higher into his forehead. Lieutenant Stanton stifled a laugh in her sleeve, and Sulu grinned as if he had just found a kindred spirit. From where he stood Kirk could not directly see Lieutenant Uhura, but he could hear her scrambling to find the communications earpiece that she has dropped out of shock and amusement.  
  
Doctor McCoy came on the bridge, noted the grinning Sulu and the smirking Lieutenant Stanton, Kirks rigid posture, the laughing Klingon, Spocks eyebrow, and mumbled something about a transfer. He still held in his arms the bucket of synthesized rubber bands.  
  
The Klingon ceased his laughter and looked at Kirk smugly. (Well, as smug as a Klingon can ever get)  
  
"Aha, I see you refuse to believe me. A small demonstration is in order."  
  
He gave a sharp order to his helm officer. A moment later, the Enterprise shook. Cries of surprise filled the air and officers bounced all over the place. Kirk and McCoy were thrown to the floor, and the bucket that had been in McCoy's hands was now upside down over the engineering consoles. Spock and Uhura held on by clamping their feet around the base of their chairs. Liza fell across the helm and into Sulu's lap. Then they both fell to the floor in a tangle of arm's and legs. After an unusually long amount of time the shaking stopped. People began to get to their feet, dazed and confused.  
  
Liza, her face beet red, apologized to Sulu, and reported, "Shields down to 10% sir, can't take another hit like that one."  
  
"A Klingon Bird of Prey can't have those kind of capabilities sir, exclaimed Sulu.  
  
"But it obviously does, said Kirk, there are no other ships in the area. Analysis Spock?"  
  
"There is a different power signature to this bird o prey that the others we have encountered, Captain, said Spock, I concluded that this ship has an accent to it that we do not know about."  
  
"So you mean the Klingons have even the odds a bit when it comes to matching constitution class ships against birds of prey, the doctor inquired while he cleaned up the rubber bands.  
  
"Evidently so Doctor"  
  
Spock didn't even add a comment to spur McCoy into a verbal sparing match. Kirk took that as a very bad sign.  
  
"So you're telling me Spock, that we can't out fight even one small Klingon ship with these new additions?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Well, said McCoy, "We've blown enough of their ships outta the galaxy for them to get mad and do something about it."  
  
Kirk sat down in his chair. "Uhura, reopen that channel."  
  
"Aye sir"  
  
As communications reopened, Kirk viewed his options. He obviously could not fight his was out of this one if Spock information was correct. There was no doubting Spock. He couldn't negotiate with this Klingon. It was well known that Klingons didn't take prisoners. Then one idea flashed across his mind, but he began to immediately dismiss it. I was totally illogical… yet what other choices did he have?  
  
"Scotty, Kirk called down to engineering, "How long will it take you to repair the engines and the shields?  
  
"About two hours sir, Whatever kind o force that was that hit us, it was incredibly powerful. By all accounts, we should be dead now, I just canna understand how the ship held together!"  
  
"She's a good ship, Scotty, get her fixed as fast as you can. Bridge out"  
  
Kirk was committed now. His plan was totally insane, and Bones would probably certify him if he had a chance, but surrendering to a Klingon, An annoying one at that, was out of the question. He turned to inform his crew of his plan.  
  
"Sir, said Uhura just then, Communication has been re established, and the Klingon commander is threatening to fire again!"  
  
There was no time to inform the rest. Kirk prayed they would catch on. He turned to the helm and the show began. 


	4. Death by RUBBER BAND!

Disclaimer: I love em but I didn't create em  
  
This chapter is dedicated to my best friend who helped me discover how many different things you can do to create a scene in a high school hallway. I give her a 12 rubber band salute! (TWANG)  
  
  
  
  
  
Chapter 4: Death by RUBBER BAND!  
  
The Klingon commander's face reappeared on the screen. He looked quite pleased with himself. Kirk didn't wait.  
  
With a look of pure rage, he turned on Lieutenant Stanton and bellowed,  
  
"You have failed this entire crew you filthy piece of trash!"  
  
The bridge grew absolutely silent with shock. McCoy's jaw dropped to the floor along with Uhuras earpiece. (Again)  
  
He roughly pulled the lieutenant, who was the most shocked of them all, out of her seat and threw her on to the floor. "If you had been manning your post correctly this would not have happened. You shame the entire human race with your existence!"  
  
McCoy moved over to him then, convinced the captain had finally snapped. Rubber bands spilling from his hands he was about to ask the captain what the hell was he doing when Kirk turned and cut him off.  
  
"Never fear Doctor, I know your loyalties are for me, but there are others on this ship (turning and glaring at bridge crew) who would gladly sacrifice the rest of us to see me die. (Turning back to McCoy) you know very well Doctor how we deal with these matters when there is nothing else to do!"  
  
Kirk slowly gave the Doctor a penetrating look, but it was un necessary, McCoy had gotten the picture. Kirk turned back to Stanton.  
  
"Do you have any excuse for you actions?"  
  
"Um Uh I … I … Don't know uh." For the fist time in her life, Liza started to regret joining Starfleet. She wondered if there was something she missed in basic training. Like perhaps the prerogative of a Captain to inflict punishment on the bridge for laughing at a Klingon.  
  
"Yes, cried Kirk, It is as I thought so, my enemies have dared to put a spy and a traitor on my very bridge!" Kirk glanced at the Klingon. He had stepped closer to the view screen and was hanging on every word Kirk said. A look of enjoyment was creeping onto his face. Good. So far.  
  
"This crewman is a traitor," Kirk continued in a calm and much cooler tone of voice, "We all know what is done with traitors on my ship."  
  
The rest of the crew, including Liza, was beginning to catch on.  
  
Uhura smiled coldly and nodded. Spock stood to attention in front of his station. Sulu scrambled away from Stanton and hid behind doctor McCoy.  
  
"Lieutenant Stanton, I sentence you to Death by Rubber Band."  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Liza. She came on her knees and grabbed the Captains sleeve pleadingly. "No sir!, she sobbed, not that, shove me out the airlock in disgrace, but not Rubber Band sir. Even you would not be that cruel!"  
  
"I'm afraid I have no choice."  
  
"Nooo! She screamed again and tried to run to the turbolift. Spock easily caught her and dragged her back to the Captain. Kirk solemnly held out his hand. McCoy placed a large Rubber band into it and quickly backed away.  
  
Kirk slowly brought his hand up and aimed at the trembling Lieutenant.  
  
He fired.  
  
The silent force of the new weapon hurled the young officer against the Vulcan. The deadly blow caused her body to convulse, and her eye to twitch. She gave one last cry of struggle before she succumbed to the forced racking her body and slid to the ground and out of view.  
  
"If you would doctor," ordered Kirk, breaking the silence. "He stepped aside to let McCoy examine the body of the treacherous navigator.  
  
"She's dead Jim."  
  
Kirk turned to the Klingon commander. "I apologize for ignoring you commander, he said in a pleasant and business like manner, but I had some problems to take care of."  
  
"Perfectly all right, Captain, Were I in your unfortunate position, I would have done the same."(Which is why you are so absolutely disgusting, thought Kirk) "Unfortunately, continued the Klingon, you are now in a situation which demands your immediate surrender to me."  
  
"I agree commander, you will have my complete surrender."  
  
The Klingon frowned, disappointed. Obviously he had wanted to blow the Enterprise to atoms in combat.  
  
Unless, continued Kirk, you wish to give me the chance to defend my honor."  
  
Explain, said the Klingon warily.  
  
"This lieutenant here did not have the knowledge to disable the Enterprises double shielding, which would have left us in a better condition to issue to you the punishment you deserve for your infringement into federation space."  
  
The Klingon growled menacingly  
  
"However," he continued quickly, "since I no longer have that option, I ask your leave to finish my life with the honor of a warrior."  
  
The Klingon said nothing, which Kirk took as an order to continue on the fine line he was walking.  
  
Kirk turned to his crew.  
  
"Who was this traitors immediate supervisor?" he demanded. "If no one answers me it will be hard on all of you! The punishment of the kun-ut- kalifee will be administers to each of you in turn if I am not giving the scoundrel's name.  
  
(Kirk was looking at Uhura when he said it, but Spock got the message) The Vulcan slowly got to his feet.  
  
"It was I, said Spock, looking down at the body of the dead navigator. "Lieutenant Stanton was an apt pupil and in line to make second command if my plan had worked. (Liza was glad she was off the screen for this because she felt herself begin to twitch with laughter and 'dead' people, even in the Klingon Empire don't do that.)  
  
"It is unfortunate that you did what you did. Continued Spock, I will now be forced to kill you outright in the challenge of the rubber band."  
  
Kirk shook with fury. "That is, of course, if I do not kill you first."  
  
Spock only turned away.  
  
"I know Klingons do not believe the Federation holds honor dear, but my ship is lost to you commander, The defeated Captain of the enterprise said, Allow me to defend my honor in the challenge, then the ship is yours."  
  
The Klingon sat thinking for a moment. This human was not at all what he had expected. Yet, he was a warrior, and since he was a warrior he could not let the man die a cowards death after he had asked for the chance to die with honor. Even more importantly was the entertainment value that would come of this. His crew had been out on patrol for to long and had no diversion. Seeing the Captain of the enterprise die and then looting is ship would give them the kind of recreation time they needed. He turned back to the pitiful human commander, the traitors Vulcan, and the dead body of the officer on the floor.  
  
"You have been known to all as a fierce warrior, James T Kirk. You should die a warrior's death. I will board your ship in thirty of your earth minutes with a boarding party. If there are any tricks, your ship will be blown to the jaws of the black fleet, and not even what mercy I may decide to have for your crew will save them.  
  
Ii you succeed in killing your first officer," he continued, " I will take his place. Either way, it is a good day for you to die.  
  
The screen went blank.  
  
The bridge was silent for a moment.  
  
Everyone, including the resurrected Lieutenant Stanton, was staring with awe and disbelief at the Captain. Five minutes ago they were all about to be blown to high heaven. Now……………?  
  
Kirk was the first one to speak.  
  
"I can't believe that stupid Klingon bought it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
And for a precious minute laughter filled the bridge of the USS Enterprise.  
  
Just for a minute though.  
  
Now they had work to do. 


	5. A Meeting of the Minds

Disclaimer: All characters pertaining to and contained within the original scripts of the original series are here by claimed as NOT MINE officially in front of all people present.  
  
Thanx to reviewers and to those who encouraged efficient use of my time. This was done at the expense of a lot of useless homework!  
  
Chapter Five: A Meeting of the Minds  
  
Unfortunately, getting the Klingons off the ship wasn't the hard part.  
  
A meeting of the Senior officers had taken place on the bridge immediately after the encounter. After all the solutions had been hedged to pieces a moment of despair settled upon Kirk, Scotty, Uhura, Sulu, and Stanton. Spock sat at his station, in a mode of concentrated contemplation. All of the plans that had been suggested involved either a 50% chance of the Enterprise being destroyed in the end of a prolonged conflict, or a 75% chance that Kirk would be carved to death by the Klingon commander. None of the ideas were totally acceptable to the Captain or Commander Spock.  
  
The only two who weren't dismal were McCoy and Chekov. They were whispering in the corner; McCoy was looking unduly pleased with himself, and Chekov was looking horrified.  
  
"Doctor McCoy, thet is inhuman!"  
  
"I know, that is exactly why it will work, Pavel, haven't you been listening?"  
  
"Gentlemen," Kirk inquired, "Have one of you possibly come up with a plan that doesn't involve my decapitation?"  
  
"Well," McCoy drawled, "I can solve your Klingon problem Jim, but whether it will pass with the Starfleet board of medical ethics is the problem."  
  
"What do you mean, Bones?"  
  
"What I mean is my plan includes methods that have been condemned by the physicians of Earth for hundreds of years."  
  
"Quit stalling and explain", ordered Kirk.  
  
Chekov stepped foreword and gladly explained for the doctor.  
  
"Keptian, he vant's to get the Klingons stoned!"  
  
************************************************************************  
  
STONED?  
  
The word hung in the air of the bridge and many smiled or grimaced depending on their personal associations with the word.  
  
Spock was utterly confused.  
  
"Aside from the fact, Doctor, that putting the Klingons to death by hurling rocks at them is barbaric and beyond our more civilized natures, we have already agreed that attacking the Klingons once they have boarded the Enterprise would mean certain destruction for the ship and would result in…  
  
Kirk's laughter interrupted Spock's indignant explanation.  
  
"No, Spock," corrected the Doctor, "Not stoned in the historical context of putting people to death, but stoned as in referring to the phrase used in the later twentieth century to refer to peoples actions when they were under the influence of harmful drugs."  
  
He turned back to the Captain.  
  
"Jim, I was referring to a drug that we have on board right now. It has only a small affect on humans, and is by no means harmful, but some data I ran across last week says that when Klingons come in contact with it, it acts as a powerful hallucinogen."  
  
Kirk sat down; no one said anything for a moment.  
  
Then Spock said, "I see what you are trying to do doctor, but even if the Klingons were inhibited by one of your drugs, any harm that may come to them on the Enterprise will register on their automatic transmitters. To gamble that they will board the Enterprise without them, as we have already discussed, is unwise."  
  
"But that is the beauty of it, Spock," McCoy persisted, "The drug will make the Klingon's believe anything we say. If we play it right, we can make the Klingons believe that they have captured the enterprise, and give Scotty the time he needs to repair the ship."  
  
Kirk smiled, and ordered the Doctor to make his preparations. Laughing to himself he realized he had already won.  
  
Before McCoy left the bridge he turned to the Doctor and asked, "By the way Bones, what is that drug?"  
  
McCoy grinned from ear to ear.  
  
"Liquid Aspirin."  
  
  
  
As the Klingon crew assembled to board the USS Enterprise a current of excitement was running through the air. The snap and click of disruptors being readied filled the transporter room. All but one of them was looking foreword to capturing the Enterprise, hopefully with lots of resistance. Kraal, the youngest, was sitting on the floor sharpening his knife. He had good reason to be in the unnoticed in the corner. The exact pronunciation of his full name sounded like what a Klingon version of a buffalo did after it ate.  
  
Kraal had received many beatings for his existence and his name, and he had a pretty rough life in the service of the Empire. He sheathed his knife after making sure it was sharp to the touch. He stood slowly to join the landing party and took the disk at the very back. If no one noticed him, it would be better. As his atoms disassembled he grabbed the hilt of his knife, thinking of how he planned to use it. 


	6. May I Please Have Another Helping of Ins...

Disclaimer: I like tacos  
  
Oh And Star Trek was not created by me.  
  
If it was, well……….. Just be glad it wasn't.  
  
  
  
  
  
Chapter 6  
  
May I Please Have Another Helping of Insanity?  
  
  
  
On the Enterprise everything was ready to go. McCoy checked for the last time the equipment hidden behind the wall at the back of the transporter chamber. Supposedly, as soon as each Klingon materialized, a pin-sized dart would shoot out of the wall and inject the liquid aspirin. If nothing went wrong, the Klingons would be under their control fifteen seconds after arriving on the Enterprise. Everyone had been encouraged by the creativity of the plan. Captain Kirk was feeling confident in this solution as he watched the final preparations and he was glad that he had a senior staff that he could rely on to voice any objections if they had them.  
  
"It won't work Jim!"  
  
Kirk sighed. With three minutes to go until Klingons boarded the Enterprise armed, and ready to kill, he should have seen this coming.  
  
"Yes, it will!"  
  
"No, it won't."  
  
"Bones, you're killing me here."  
  
"Well if I don't, the Klingon Commander will be more than happy to take over where I have failed."  
  
"Very funny Doctor. Besides, it's your plan, are you telling me it is flawed."  
  
"I object sir,"  
  
"Well then, what is the problem!"  
  
"Nothing Captain, sighed the doctor as he stood up from kneeling on the transporter room floor and stretched the kinks out of his back. "This little contraption of mine is sure to work. If nothing Glitches, and despite Scotty's faith in his ship I'm not totally confident in that, AND If the liquid aspirin takes affect when I think it will, AND if It stays in the blood stream for at least two hours, AND if nobody from that twenty man force of security guards you have out in the hall prematurely fires a phaser killing or wounding one of the Klingons and inadvertently getting us all killed, THEN it will work."  
  
Kirk told the doctor in some rather colorful terms that, "it will work", and huffed out of the room to tell his security force to double check their phasers to make sure that they were locked into the stun position.  
  
================================================  
  
Eliza Stanton's stomach was complaining. She was alone on the bridge of the Enterprise, again. She looked out the screen at the Klingon bird of Prey and was amazed that such a little ship could hold the Enterprise at bay. After having been killed in the sight of the Klingons, Kirk thought it a smart move not to have her there when they came on board. So, Eliza was left out of the fun. Twirling around in the chair again, she felt the first tingle of acute boredom climb into her brain. She glanced at the chronometer. Ensigns Chekov and Brikosa were supposed to join her in a minute. Chekov was always fun to talk to, and Brikosa was a walking laugh riot. Brikosa was a Rigellian and as beautiful as they came. She was also a good person to talk to whenever a problem came up. Despite her distinctly vulcanoid look, people warmed up to her quickly.  
  
"It's the ears, you see," Bri had explained one night after an intense game of tennis with Eliza, "They have their advantages. Annoying people never hit me up for money, but I'm thinking of getting them triple pierced, just for flair of course. What do you think?"  
  
Yes, Brikosa's personality was definitely unique.  
  
Eliza grinned as she heard the intercom announce the arrival of the Klingons. After the Captain finished executing Bri and Chekov they would come up and save her from another attack of bridge boredom while the Captain and Mr. Spock kept the Klingons running around in circles for the next two hours.  
  
===============================  
  
As Kraal materialized on the Enterprise he felt a strange sensation, as if all of his inhibitions had left him. As he looked around he spotted the earthers. Two of them were standing directly in front of the transporter. They were absolutely disgusting and seemed to be begging Kraal to kill them. He would be glad to put them all out of their misery.  
  
It was not hard to slip away from the group and make his way into the depths of the humans ship. After checking a map on the computer in an empty room, Kraal made his way through the silent hall towards the security section three levels down.  
  
==============================================  
  
Kirk was staring at the Klingons as they materialized upon his ship. Whether McCoy's shots had worked or not he decided he would go on with his charade as long as he could.  
  
"Commander, I have discovered other operatives aboard my ship. I would ask your permission as conquering commander of this ship to allow me to execute them before the challenge of the rubber band commences."  
  
The Klingon commander blinked twice as if he was not quite sure of where he was. His men moved and swayed as if they had just disembarked from a very fast sonicoaster. The commander then nodded for Kirk to proceed. Kirk bowed at the waist and Ensigns Chekov and Brikosa were brought forward.  
  
"For Mutiny and conspiracy in the third degree, how do you plead?"  
  
Chekov tried to lunge at the Captain but a security guard easily held him back.  
  
"I would be wery glad to die knowing the Klingons vill succeed in tearing you to pieces you damn Cossack!"  
  
"And I," Brikosa put in, "Am only sorry I had not the chance to kill you myself. I wanted to kill you very slowly and savor your screams of agony you pompous two nosed son of a wolguisi bird!"  
  
Kirk turned to McCoy who proffered two large rubber bands. The Doctor was trying not to laugh a Brikosa's odd insult. He had been to Rigel before and the Wolguisi bird was a very popular dish. Calling the Captain a son of a Wolguisi bird was like a human calling his enemy a porterhouse steak.  
  
Kirk latched the rubber bands around his pointer fingers and pulled back using his thumbs as triggers.  
  
"I'll take that as a concession of guilt. You are here by sentenced to death."  
  
He fired  
  
The two ensigns twitched, fell, and died.  
  
"Now commander," said Captain Kirk as the bodies were carried out of the room, "The death match is to be held in the rec room. Unfortunately, your attack spread live wires, nerve gas, and tiny laughing clowns with grenades on decks six and ten so we'll have to take the long way around. If you would please follow me?"  
  
Kirk held his breath. They would know now if McCoy's contraption had worked.  
  
The Klingon Leader leaned close to Kirk.  
  
His warriors gripped their weapons.  
  
He growled.  
  
"Laughing clowns with grenades are indeed a serious problem," said the Klingon with concern, "My warriors will take care of them after the match. Lead the way. We will be watching you closely so none of your shifty earther tricks, Kirk!"  
  
Kirk gladly led the way. 


	7. Drinking from the Wrong Bottle

Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek, but I freely admit that Dr. McCoy inspired my title from a line in "City on the Edge of Forever" (  
  
PLEASE DON'T SUE THE POOR COLLEGE STUDENT!  
  
  
  
Chapter Seven: Drinking from the Wrong Bottle  
  
Doctor Serita, chief botanist on the USS Enterprise, had made a terrible mistake.  
  
Because she was chief botanist she usually didn't make terrible mistakes. Serita was always professional through and through despite her young age. (Only twenty summers by her home planets calendar) She was in charge of all gardens botanical labs and plant life on the USS Enterprise, and occasionally was called by the Captain or Doctor McCoy do some very strange things. Once She had been called to reprogram the transporter sensors to beam all tribbles off of the ship, and researching all know natural chemicals in the Federation to find one that might reverse accelerated aging processes. Now she was making it so the extra particle adjuster in the main transporter room shot out pins of liquid aspirin. In any case or problem, her job description failed to accurately depict everything she did on the Enterprise.  
  
Getting herself stoned, however, was not one of those usual occurrences.  
  
She had accidentally pricked herself with one of the pins as she was assisting Doctor McCoy with the final adjustments. As everyone well knew, for humans, Liquid Aspirin would only have a slight relaxing effect, but Serita was a Corellian, and her genetic make up was more closely related to the Klingons than any other known species.  
  
Serita had begun to feel the effect right away and brought one of her hands to the delicate ridges on her forehead. It was hot, almost feverish. She realized that if she didn't make it back to sickbay fast, she would collapse. Her slight avian frame couldn't take the stresses the drug would put on her frail muscles and bones. She silently edged away from the group; spread her long silver wings for balance, and half ran half floated out the door.  
  
---------------------------------------------  
  
Out in the hall, she had first run into Ensign Chekov who was suggesting to Ensign Brikosa that the Captain should tell the Klingons that there were beautiful Orion dancing girls coming out of the walls of the Enterprise.  
  
"And the vould be carrying trays that held glasses of wodka," he added, "It vould be wery funny to see the Klingons drool over women that are not really there!"  
  
"Yes, it would," agreed Brikosa, " but the Captains first idea is a better one. I can't wait to see their reactions in any case. Are you ready to get shot?"  
  
"Are you kidding, execution was invented by the Russians!"  
  
After that, getting to the turbolift proved to be a challenging task as the drug began to take affect. Avoiding all of the green women coming out of nowhere, with trays if intoxication beverages, was hard as well.  
  
She made it all the way to the turbo lift, braced herself against the wall, and locked her double-jointed knees. Here eyes watered and she blinked, trying to clear the bright purple irises.  
  
"Deck Seven, Please." She whispered to the lift computer and brushed a wisp of feathery black hair away from her face.  
  
The intercom announced that the Klingons had come aboard. The Captain had ordered that his conversations with the Klingons be broadcasted to all decks so that the rest of the crew would know what the Klingons were supposed to be seeing when they were under the influence of the drug. When Captain Kirk mentioned deck seven, she groaned and prepared herself for the worst.  
  
When the lift doors opened, the onslaught of little laughing clowns with hand grenades was almost more than she could bear. She shut the doors quickly and rerouted the lift to deck five.  
  
========= 


	8. DEATHMATCH

Disclaimer: A little bit- okay a major bit- of SPOCK appreciation going on in this one. Loved writing an action scene for him, but I promise it doesn't end with this chapter. Nobody will guess what's going to happen next, I'm sure of that.  
  
Oh – Star Trek was not created in my head; it only lives there 24-7  
  
  
  
Chapter 8- DEATHMATCH  
  
  
  
After avoiding the blinking Denebian slime devils that inhabited the floors of deck eleven and the Kung Fu hamsters in the turbolifts; the Klingon commander was totally disgusted with the earth ship.  
  
He was confused as well. The word Kung Fu refused to be translated into Klingon but it sounded like something Klingons only did in private.  
  
Yet, as he entered the recreation room, his opinion of these earthers improved. In front of him sprawled a battle arena that would rival the personal facilities of the Klingon Emperor. He ordered his men to fan out so they could cover the entire room with disruptor fire if needed. Then he turned to Kirk and said, "Where is your first officer? If you have already killed him, our own personal fight will commence."  
  
Kirk only nodded and faced the arena. The crewmen along the edges sat in rising seats along the wall. The Captain shouted, "Come out! Traitor!"  
  
The arena grew dim, as a pale spotlight highlighted a slim dark figure that emerged from behind a curtain. The crowd fell silent. A low, throbbing, tribal music filled the room as the Vulcan stepped forward into the arena. He was clad in black pants and a loose blue shirt with cuffs. It was not the same outfit the Klingon commander had seen him in earlier. A human observer might have compared the outfit to that of a medieval musketeer. The shirt glistened in the small light and the pants and boots seemed to give him the agility of a panther. A medium cape fell behind his shoulders and flowed out as silent as a shadow; mimicking his every move. Presented in this setting with all of his rage simmering for a fight, the traitorous first officer glowed. That was really the only was to describe it. His eyes sparked with a cunningness that many Klingons would describe as 'the killing fire'. One thin eyebrow arched as he faced the captain that he so skillfully betrayed.  
  
One female in the crowd sighed and another fell over as if dead.  
  
The Klingons ignored them both, so intent were they on the scene developing before them.  
  
"I see you have come at the appointed place and time," said the First Officer, "Logically, you either wish to end you life in an expedient manner, or you lack the mental capabilities for coherent reason. Either way, let the challenge begin."  
  
Kirk dropped the cape he'd been wearing when he met the Klingons from his shoulders revealing a similar outfit to the first officers, but with a gold shirt. The Captain smiled at the Vulcan and began moving to the right as the other came up from the left. The two faced each other. An atmosphere of intense combat began to build up in the room, as they circled like predators preparing to strike.  
  
The Klingon visitors were having the time of their life, and the commander saw some rather large amounts of currency exchange hands.  
  
"I have killed the rest of your conspirators, Spock," said Kirk, as he edged closer, "Chekov and Brikosa were not good at hiding their tracks. They followed Stanton to a traitors hell!"  
  
" A Pity. They were good crewmen," said Spock in return, tensing his body, preparing to make a move, "Their only crime was wanting to live without the fear of you getting us all killed someday. You will die now."  
  
Spock moved first, reaching for a clasp of rubber bands at his side. He brought one out before the audience could blink and dived to the side. Kirk dodged his attack with difficulty, bending backwards, almost to the ground. He rolled on his shoulder and came up with a rubber band of his own.  
  
"You first!" he shouted and fired.  
  
The new weapons were flying all over the place, and for the next few minutes, when the members of the human audience were not making bets of their own, they were dodging 'stray bullets'. Humans and Klingons alike cheered enthusiastically for whichever combatant they had the most money on. It was like nothing the Commander had ever seen before, and soon, he found himself cheering along with his men at the spectacle before him.  
  
For a while Spock had the upper hand. The Vulcan was obviously quicker than his Captain. He dodged and fired with precision and pinpoint accuracy, and the Captain was putting all his energy into surviving the Vulcan's brutal attacks. Spock had only one flaw that the Klingon Commander could see, but it was a flaw that would probably get him killed. He fought in a consistant and predictable manner, always taking the logical course of action.  
  
Kirk began to take advantage of that fact, moving in a very erratic and unpredictable manner. He reversed his momentum rather abruptly and rolled to the ground firing as he went, throwing off Spocks concentration. The Shot grazed Spock in the arm and he grimaced in pain. The Klingons could see the forceful effect of these new federation weapons when the Vulcan began to move to defensive moves, dodging instead of firing the shots from the energetic human in front of him.  
  
All at once, the battle came to a climax. Kirk and Spock charged each other from opposite sides of the arena, each armed with a rubber band. They fired in mid air and the shots went wild. Spock's rubber band flew towards the ceiling and in a flash of light; it was gone, as if it had gone into warp speed. Kirk's shot hit a crewman in the front row of cheering people, who immediately screeched and fell to the ground.  
  
Everybody ignored him.  
  
Kirk and Spock locked hands in mid air and came to the ground in a silent struggle. Their labored breathing and straining muscles could be seen and heard all over the room. Each was trying to overcome the other by sheer strength and will power.  
  
Suddenly, Kirk fell to the ground and scissor kicked the unsuspecting Vulcan in the ankles. Spock regained his footing as best as he could, but it was way too late for the traitor. Kirk had already armed himself, and fired.  
  
The rubber band hit Spock full in the chest and for a moment, he just stood there in the center of the arena, stunned and twitching.  
  
He slowly fell to his knees and looked up into the face of his Captain.  
  
"It is quite illogical," he whispered, before he fell to the ground and lay silent.  
  
Three more females in the crowd fainted, but the roaring spectators, saluting and honoring their victorious Captain, did not notice them.  
  
The outcome of this great battle had pleased the Klingon commander. He stepped forward to announce the next fight. And for Kirk, this next one would not be so easily won. 


	9. Party on the bridge!

Oh the insanity, Oh the calamity! This is so much fun to write!  
  
Disclaimer: man I am tired of writing these at the start, does anybody know if they absolutely have to be at the top of every chapter? Is Paramount Pictures monitoring every single one of these to see if we violate copyright laws? Do they even care? If they do, they have no lives.  
  
Right: I should talk.  
  
SHIGH! Startreknotmine. (Grinding of teeth)  
  
Oh, and the coconut song ain't mine either.  
  
Chapter 9 – PARTY on the Bridge!  
  
  
  
Eliza received the orders to go to full warp speed just as they were watching Spock die on the main view screen.  
  
"Engineering to bridge," came the voice of the Scottish engineer through the intercom. "Lieutenant Stanton, we've got full warp power, and since "out run" is the only thin we can do to the Klingons at the moment, I suggest ye get this ship movin."  
  
It was time to go back on alert, so Brikosa took the cotton balls out from between her drying toenails, rolled up her sleeping bag, and turned the view screen back to the Bird of Prey outside the ship. Chekov threw away his popcorn, and wiped the butter grease from his hands. Eliza moved the command chair from recline mode to command mode, and turned the main lights back on.  
  
"Thank you Scotty, The Captain is almost finished with phase one. You might want to go down to the rec deck and watch; it's quite a show! Bridge out."  
  
She turned to the helm where Chekov and Brikosa sat expectantly.  
  
"Bri, Prepare to go to maximum warp on my order. Chekov, plot us a nice tight Parabolic curve around that Klingon ship. If they are monitoring us, I want them to be confused as to which way we are headed. We aren't going to run for Federation space like they expect us to, but parallel to the neutral zone. If they blink they might just miss us passing by."  
  
"Plotted and laid in Lieutenant," said Chekov.  
  
"Warp 9 on your command, Liza." added Brikosa.  
  
Well, this was it; she was actually at the center of the action for once. The Klingon ship seemed to hover closer to the Enterprise than it had before, but Eliza was not afraid. She was lovin it.  
  
  
  
That was exactly the moment that the turbo lift doors opened and a very drunk looking Dr. Serita came staggering in.  
  
"Wait a second," she mumbled to herself as she flapped her wings for balance, "This isn't deck five."  
  
She glanced up at the three officers without recognizing them. Eliza doubted if she even recognized that she was on the bridge.  
  
  
  
"B…but the nice little hamster in the turbo lift told me we were going to deck five," Serita sobbed.  
  
  
  
"Doctor McCoy to the bridge," Eliza shouted down to sickbay.  
  
"Oh boy", muttered Brikosa  
  
"Whatever she's on," whispered Pavel, "I vant some of that."  
  
The all turned again as the opposite lift deposited another person on to the bridge.  
  
A Klingon with a very big knife.  
  
"I am KRALL!" he shouted, "And I have disabled your security systems. Despite all of your attempts to throw me off with little GREMLINS in your elevator tubes!!"  
  
"Oh, did you meet him tooooo!" slurred Dr. Serita as she began to sway back and forth. "Isn't he nniiccceee?"  
  
Eliza ignored the doctor and stepped in front of the Klingon.  
  
"Nice work, congratulations." She spoke to the Klingon as if he were two, not wanting to spark him into doing something violent. "Not many people have broken through our Kun Fu hamster ploy."  
  
Kraal made a face as he heard the word Kung Fu, but he still moved forward onto the bridge. Eliza sat back down in the command chair and started to call the Captain, but suddenly remembered. The Captain was busy killing Spock.  
  
No, that wouldn't work.  
  
She drew her hand away from the con button, but not before her fingers brushed up against something rubbery.  
  
"Bri, implement my last order!" Eliza decided she was going to take matters into her own hands. "Kreal, or what ever your name is, freeze right there, or I will fire!"  
  
She stretched a rubber band across one finger.  
  
"And don't think I won't blow you're your atoms to pieces and shove them out the air lock, because I will. Surrender your weapons."  
  
"IIIIV'E GOT A LOOOOOVELY BUNCH OF COCONUTS!!!" sang Doctor Serita as she twirled on her tippy toes.  
  
That was the moment that Dr. McCoy decided to come on to the bridge…  
  
  
  
…from the wrong door. He ran smack into the Klingon who didn't waste time. Kraal moved so fast, Eliza didn't have a chance to shout a warning to the Doctor. Three seconds later the unsuspecting CMO was being used as a human shield, protecting Kraal from Eliza's attack.  
  
"THEREEE THEY ARE A STANDIN IN A ROOOOW!!"  
  
"I'll kill the physician! Throw down that dirty federation weapon and surrender this ship. Do it now, or he dies."  
  
To emphasize his point, Kraal brought his knife to McCoy's neck. The Doctor immediately stopped squirming and turned as pale as a sheet, but Eliza did not lower the rubber band.  
  
Kraal scanned the bridge, taking a head count. Killing the Doctor and the winged creature would be no problem. The human who seemed to be the one in charge might pose a challenge, but it would be one that he had been trained to solve.  
  
But the two officers he had seen executed in the transporter room might prove to be a bit of a problem. He had never had to kill ghosts before, but if there were a way, he would find it. Kraal shook his head and blinked at the absurdity of his own thoughts.  
  
"I don't know what game you Federation people are playing, but it is a useless waste of my time. Tell the dead ones to turn the ship over to me, or else. And tell the winged one to stop SINGING!"  
  
"BIG ONESSSSS, SSSMALLLL ONESSSS, SOME ASBIGASYOURHEAD!!!"  
  
SHUT UP!!!!!!  
  
Then, everything happened at once. While Doctor Serita and her horrendous singing distracted Kraal, Eliza shot the rubber band at Dr. McCoy, who moaned, twitched, and fell to the floor, happy to get away from the Klingon and the knife. Kraal looked for a moment at the 'dead' physician on the floor. Even Klingons did not kill their own crew being held hostage. He looked at the woman who had found another rubber band on the floor, and realized her cunning. With out the physician as a shield, he was open to direct attack. Kraal rushed Eliza before she could bring her weapon to bear. The force of his attack drove Eliza into the helm, and soon all of them were on the ground, kicking, biting and fighting to get to a weapon before Kraal retrieved his knife. Dr. McCoy decided to resurrect himself, and grabbing a hypo, joined the fray. He missed, Chekov's eyes rolled to the back of his head, and he was shoved out of the fight to lie on the floor in front of the view screen. Eliza managed to untangle herself for long enough in order to punch Kraal in the nose. Pink Klingon blood spewed over his face, but he still fought on, avoiding another jab of the hypo from McCoy and a Karate chop from Brikosa'a nimble hand. As he backed away, he slammed into Eliza who slammed, head first into the command chair. She could feel the blood rushing to her head, and she blinked to clear her eyes from the haze that covered them. She felt a hand at her side and a triumphant cry from Kraal as he grabbed her Phaser and fired into the group. The last thing she heard before she fell to the floor unconscious was Dr. Serita staring up again with 99 bottles of beer on the wall. 


	10. Tallyho!

Disclaimer: I am personally allowed to use the characters from Star Trek the Original Series, as long as I say they do not belong to me. How nice ( (Gagging)  
  
Don't worry, Paramount, I put away my toys after I'm done playing with them.  
  
BIG THANX TO REVIWERS. I have a big surprise for you at the end so keep reading (yes, there is an end to this.)  
  
Thanx to the Cheez for the duct tape idea!  
  
  
  
Chapter 10 TALLEYHO!!!!  
  
The situations on the bridge and in the rec room were getting tense. The only problem that the crew of the Enterprise seemed to have solved was the Bird of Prey. It had been left far behind when the Enterprise had gone into warp. Just as Eliza had hoped, somebody must have blinked, because by the time the ship started to follow, all they could do was slowly track the Enterprises photon trail.  
  
Down in the rec room, Kirk was facing the Klingon commander over the body of first officer Spock.  
  
"I will hold to my word, commander," said Kirk, "How do you wish to settle our little misunderstanding?"  
  
The Klingon commander stepped forward into the arena and his men promptly stopped settling bets and stood to attention.  
  
"Captain, we will not fight with weapons from either of our worlds. You and I shall test each other's strength. I assure you that I am the better man, this will not last long."  
  
"I agree that this will not last very long, commander," said Kirk, as Spocks body and the rubber bands were cleared from the area, "But as to who is the better man? Well, we shall see."  
  
Kirk and the Klingon met in the center of the arena, and the fight…  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
…Never happened.  
  
A signal sounded from the inside of the commander's cloak. Kirk realized the reason for the signal moment before the Commander did. The Captain was more in tune with the ships condition than anyone else, besides Scotty, and he could feel the massive warp engines kick in, and the vibration of the Enterprise going into high warp.  
  
"Kirk this is dishonorable TREACHERY!!!!!!!! YOU WILL DIE FOR THIS!"  
  
Captain Kirk just smiled as his security guards, who had been hidden in the ventilation shafts in the roof the whole time, opened fire, and stunned all of the Klingon guards before they could draw their weapons. They dropped like flies, and the rest of the crew surged forward to restrain the invaders. As a second security force came through the door, the Commander, seeing himself defeated by the disgusting federation, pulled a hidden disruptor from his cloak and fired at Kirk. He was immediately dropped by the red shirted snipers in the roof, but not before he got a good shot at the despicable captain. The bolt of deadly energy grazed Kirk's shoulder, spinning him around and to the ground, moaning in pain. His shoulder felt as if it had been badly burned, but he refused to black out.  
  
There was soon a presence at his side. He struggled to his feet, refusing help from Lieutenant Sulu.  
  
"Sir!" Sulu's deep baritone floated through his confused consciousness, "Sir, The Klingons are all being taken to the brig. There is no message from the bridge whether the Bird of Prey is following us or not. We believe that there may be a problem."  
  
"Well if that is the case, I had better get up there." the captain said more to him self than to Sulu. He tried to take a step, but swayed, as if the floor where on a lean.  
  
"Captain, Mr. Spock is already trying to get up there through the Emergency hatches since the turbo lifts are out," said Sulu as he steadied his captain. "We should get you to sickbay."  
  
"Sulu," Kirk said as he ground his teeth in pain. "If you try to take me to sick bay, I'll bust you in rank, knock you out, and feed you to that tentacled fly trap thingy that is infesting your quarters!"  
  
With that, the Captain of the USS Enterprise passed out from the pain of his wound and was carried to sickbay without any further objections.  
  
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+  
  
Indeed. There was a problem on the bridge.  
  
As Lieutenant Stanton regained consciousness, she felt the sharp metal of a knife against her throat.  
  
"Do not move." said a voice above her, "You will surely regret it!"  
  
She opened her eyes, and blinked in the glaring lights of the bridge, and at the business end of a phaser set to kill.  
  
Being the smart junior officer she was, she didn't move.  
  
Soon, Kraal moved back to his business at the science station, which allowed Dr. McCoy to crawl closer to check if she was hurt. His hands were bound, which made finding her pulse complicated.  
  
"How do you feel?"  
  
"You don't want to know."  
  
"That bad?"  
  
Eliza as she tried to sit up, and failed.  
  
"Doc, I grew up in what was once called the 'bread basket' of North America. Lower Michigan to be precise, and I lived on one of the last huge dairy farms. There were real cows on that farm, and at nights, in the summer, they were allowed to roam free. On those nights me and my less than respectable friends enjoyed the midnight sport of cow tipping."  
  
"So."  
  
"So, on night we went cow tipping, and I ended up on the wrong side of the cow. I was under that sucker for fifteen minutes, and my body, from the butt down was numb."  
  
"So, what's your point?"  
  
"Getting shot by a phaser on heavy stun and being tied up by a stoned Klingon is worse than being squashed by a sleeping cow!"  
  
McCoy decided to ignore all of that and helped her to prop herself up against the bulkhead. She noticed that Chekov and Brikosa were also tied up at the other end of the bridge. Brikosa was listening to Checkov as he silently ranted and raved about how all physicians were vampires and devils with overactive trigger fingers. Occasionally he glared in McCoy's direction.  
  
Dr. Serita was sitting by the turbo lift. Eliza preformed a classic double take as she saw the winged Doctor.  
  
Apparently Kraal had discovered the joys of duct tape.  
  
Dr. Serita was covered in it from head to toe, with double applications on her wings and mouth.  
  
What was worse was Lt. Uhura had been put in charge of ordering the entire repair and maintenance supplies on their last trip into space dock. Since then, the engineers had complained heatedly about the cow spotted tools and the faux fur straps on their tricorders. The duct tape that Dr. Serita now sported as a second skin had the highly chic pink camouflage effect that was currently popular on many of the colony worlds.  
  
If the situation had been less serious, Eliza would have laughed at the pink mummified Doctor.  
  
"This situation is very serious," said Doctor McCoy, mirroring Eliza's thought and bringing her out of her contemplations, "This Klingon is planning to use us as hostages against the rest of the crew."  
  
"I'll try to think of something," said Eliza rather half heartedly as she strained against her bonds. She noticed that she was feeling more light headed as time went on. The phaser stun probably affected her more than she thought. If she thought of a plan it would have to be fast because she was probably going to pass out again soon.  
  
In the end, a plan wasn't needed. A real live super hero came to save the suffering hostages on the bridge. Just as Kraal was about to use the intercom to make his demands to the ship, a panel popped open and Robin Hood swung down from the ceiling air vents on a line of loose wires. He was everything Eliza had ever hoped, (being saved by the outlaw hero had once been a childhood fantasy for her), dashing, brave, tall, dark, and handsome. The caped figure walked up to the Klingon like he owned the ship, and placed a hand on the shocked Klingons shoulder. Kraal fell to the floor, unconscious.  
  
Robin Hood had just nerve pinched the Klingon.  
  
WAIT A SECOND!  
  
Eliza shook her head again and the figure of Mr. Spock replaced that of Robin Hood.  
  
"OOOOOOh, what am I on!," she exclaimed as she was let loose. She could hear Dr. McCoy complaining loudly to Mr. Spock as he shot her with yet another hypo spray. 'Where did the man keep those things!' she wondered as an uneasy sleepy feeling took hold of her. The last thing she remembered was asking the kind Doctor if he would let Robin Hood carry her to sickbay. 


	11. The Final Weirdness of that One Really W...

Disclaimer: Star Trek Not mine: Oh sadness and stress! This is my last chapter! It is very long so I have some suggestions for reader fatigue.  
  
Blink and hum Mary had a Little Lamb  
  
Run outside with underwear on your head shouting, "I am the great underwear man!" (It'll be even funnier if you're a girl)  
  
Go find a big building and ride the elevators for a while: if you live out in the middle of nowhere like I do find a big field and sing: The Hills are Alive.  
  
Eat something with cheese or a cheese byproduct in it.  
  
Watch some Star Trek: Original series. – That always works for me.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Ok: Now for the end.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
CHAPTER 11  
  
The Final Weirdness of that One Really Weird Day  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Eliza awoke to the hiss of a hypo spray in her ear. Her eyes opened to slits, letting in only a little bit of light at a time.  
  
  
  
"What happened, Please?" she whispered to the great dark shadow above her.  
  
  
  
The shadow replied with the voice of Dr. McCoy.  
  
  
  
"Well, We escaped the Bird of Prey, the crazy Klingon on the bridge was subdued by Spock and brought to the brig, Captain Kirk has recovered from his shoulder wound and is whining for me to let him out of sick bay, Dr. Serita took a strong shot of detox and, declared she was going to her room to sleep for a week. She never made it, and had to be escorted out of the storage level after she was discovered there singing 'swing low sweet chariot to a bottle of Romulan Ale, (big breath) aaannnnd you, my dear young lady, have been in sick bay for the last five hours. It's seems your allergic to phasers.  
  
  
  
"Oh."  
  
  
  
None of this made any sense to Eliza, but at least she didn't feel sick anymore. She opened her eyes all the way.  
  
  
  
"Doctor McCoy, What happened to Chekov and Brikosa?"  
  
  
  
"Well, Chekov refused to come down to sick bay to let me look at his hands, which were scraped up after he tried to get free from the ropes. It seems he's still sore about that little mishap on the bridge with the hypospray. Your Reigillian friend, however, is one of the most forgiving persons I know. She followed that Kraal character all the way to the brig, asking him if he wanted her to pierce his ears. She claims it will make him look more intimidating, and maybe the next time he tries to take over a ship, that will help."  
  
  
  
"I doubt it, he's pretty incompetent as far as Klingon's go.  
  
  
  
"Well, it seems that his commander has decided to let Kraal stay in the federation. All of the others will be processed and released to the Klingon empire in due time. Kraal is quite eager to start his own interstellar shipping business, and he has changed his name to Hugo.  
  
  
  
"Well, that's good."  
  
  
  
Eliza started to get up, despite McCoy's protests. She swayed, and took hold of the bio bed. A similarly disheveled figure was staggering out of the room next door. Captain Kirk looked at Eliza, who was staring right back at him.  
  
  
  
"What is this; the day the patients revolted?" cried McCoy in protest, "Both of you get back into bed!"  
  
  
  
He was ignored.  
  
  
  
"Sir," Eliza declared to the Captain, "I never want to work Gamma mid shift again. I don't care if you have to bust me in rank, I won't do it."  
  
  
  
"That's perfectly all right, COMMANDER, it seems you'll be too occupied to be worrying about shifts again."  
  
  
  
"WHAT!"  
  
  
  
"You've been promoted, Mz. Stanton, and I suggested to the fleet commander that you be given the position of first officer on the Lexington."  
  
  
  
"AAAAAAAYYYYIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"  
  
  
  
"Yes, that is what I thought you might say."  
  
  
  
Eliza ran around hugging everybody. The Captain was first, and he didn't mind at all until she patted his shoulder. Nurse Chapel, Midshipman Horner, Lieutenant Freeman, and a hug and a kiss on the cheek for Doctor McCoy followed as she screeched her way around the room.  
  
  
  
That was when the red alert sounded.  
  
Again  
  
  
  
Kirk ran to the Comm unit on the wall.  
  
  
  
"Bridge, this is the Captain. Scotty, what's going on?"  
  
  
  
"I dunno sir, the engines have stopped, and Mr. Sulu says that we are no longer in our galaxy."  
  
(!)  
  
  
  
Spock came on the Comm and explained.  
  
  
  
"We appear to have been transported over a great distance in space and time, none of our instruments are registering, and we are unable to locate our exact position."  
  
  
  
"I'm on my way, Captain out."  
  
  
  
Kirk turned to Bones and Eliza.  
  
  
  
"Let's go."  
  
  
  
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// //  
  
  
  
  
  
The trio came on to the bridge to meet a very confused engineer and a puzzled Vulcan.  
  
  
  
"Sir," we canna explain what just happened, I just don't know."  
  
  
  
"It's ok, Mr. Scott", said the captain as he sat in his seat, "There is an explanation for everything in this universe."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"Even me? Captain."  
  
  
  
(!)  
  
  
  
Everyone looked around to the figure who suddenly appeared at the center of the bridge in front of the view screen. He smiled and bounced on his toes for a second as the crew stood dumbfounded. Spock surreptitiously scanned the being and raised one eyebrow.  
  
  
  
"Captain, this being that we are seeing is not registering on any of the scanners."  
  
  
  
"Why of course my dear Mr. Spock, if your puny little toys could tell you who I am, you would understand all that there is to know!"  
  
  
  
The figure popped out of existence and reappeared lounging on the science station three centimeters from Spock's face.  
  
  
  
"But you don't understand eeeeverrry thing, now do you Spockie!"  
  
  
  
"Well, whoever he is," remarked the Captain, "He looks human."  
  
  
  
"I agree Captain, he exhibits many of the annoying characteristics that most humans do."  
  
  
  
"I believe that is the Vulcan way of saying hello," said the figure as he popped over to sit on Lt. Uhura's console.  
  
  
  
"How are you doing, my dear! Not a very nice day for opening hailing frequencies is it?"  
  
  
  
"Get off my station."  
  
  
  
"Oh my," he said and returned to his original position, "The lady doth protest to much!"  
  
  
  
"Who are you, demanded Captain Kirk, "And what is your business aboard my ship?"  
  
  
  
"OOOOHhhhhh! What is it with you starship captains? Always demanding. Always ruining my fun. Always worrying as if there is three seconds left in the universe! SIGH."  
  
  
  
Kirk scrutinized the odd figure in front of him. He was dressed in what appeared to be a uniform, but it was red and black. Also, the way this man had just said 'ruining my fun' reminded Kirk of somebody else.  
  
  
  
"By any chance, asked the captain calmly, "Do you happen to know a being named Trelane?"  
  
  
  
"Oh yes, that's right, this was the ship that bumped into my naughty little nephew. I'm sorry Captain, I hope you haven't been scarred for life."  
  
  
  
"So, you are a being, similar to him."  
  
  
  
"Why, yes I am, but explaining it all to you would be so tiresome. We are a people known as the Q. We live in the Q continuum. My name is Q. So is everybody else's I might add."  
  
  
  
Everyone was confused at that.  
  
  
  
"Well, said McCoy, "If everybody's name is Q, how come Trelane is called Trelane?"  
  
  
  
"Oh, it's a long story. Trelane's parents are somewhat different. You might call them hippies. They indulge that child way to much."  
  
  
  
That didn't help matters much.  
  
  
  
"But for you, time is wasting. I must remember that. It is so stressful being an all-powerful being. None of you will remember anything of this day after I have finished my purpose here."  
  
  
  
"And what is that, may I ask."  
  
  
  
"Of course you may, my dear Mr. Spock, but I am surprised to find that you didn't figure this all out already. You are slipping."  
  
  
  
Spock's eyebrow climbed even higher.  
  
  
  
Oh, I don't want to undermine your scientific authority on this ship. I'll give you a sporting chance to guess.  
  
  
  
"Guess what."  
  
  
  
"Oh don't be a dolt, guess what your are doing here, guess what I am doing here, guess what is going on in general. Oh this will be so much fun!"  
  
  
  
With that the lights on the bridge of the Enterprise dimmed, and then came up again as blue spotlights.  
  
There was a brief moment of music, and the bridge was changed. The captain, and the rest were sitting in the back in a set of rising seats where communications used to be. Spock was sitting across from Q in the center of the bridge, who was wearing a gray suit and ice blue tie. Facing both of them were two screens from which emitted a garishly green glow.  
  
  
  
"Our next contestant, announced Q as he crossed his legs and gazed slowly across at the Vulcan whose face looked even more alien in the greenish glow, "Is Commander Spock of the USS Enterprise. Commander Spock has had an exemplary career in nerve pinching unsuspecting crewmen, disobeying orders, fighting with is mommy and daddy aboard his ship, killing his captain, and collecting all eighty thousand Super Green Man collectors edition cereal box tops. Welcome to the show Spock."  
  
  
  
Spock's response was drowned out by a laugh track.  
  
  
  
"Now, Spock, are you ready to play, Who Want's to Guess What Q is up to?"  
  
  
  
"No."  
  
  
  
"Oh don't be such a spoil sport, Spock. Look at it this way. If you don't play, the Enterprise will never be released from this temporary dimension that I have created, and you will have to spend the rest of your life on board a ship with a bunch of totally unfacinating humans."  
  
Spock looked at his Captain who gave a slow nod. It seemed that playing this mad man's game was the only way they were going to get any answers.  
  
  
  
"Very well I will indulge you."  
  
  
  
"The rules are very simple, Spock, I will ask you seven multiple choice questions which will get harder as you go on. You will have three lifelines from which to save your ship from your personal blunders. You may choose to eliminate two wrong answers, call a friend anywhere in the galaxy, and ask an audience member for assistance. I would have kept it to just poll the audience, but with seven people, one dissenter could skew the data. Are you ready to play."  
  
  
  
"Affirmative."  
  
  
  
"What ever. First Question: What is my name:  
  
A) Billy Joe Bob Dan Jack-Boy (Flashes into Hick costume)  
  
B) Captain Jean-Luc Picard (Back to the odd looking uniform)  
  
C) George Washington (Revolutionary war costume w/ white wig)  
  
D) Q (back to Regis outfit)  
  
  
  
"Your name is Q"  
  
  
  
"Correct!"  
  
The lights flashed and swooped, and the music came and went. Q was smiling from ear to ear. Spock leaned his elbows on the edge of the chair and steeped his hands.  
  
  
  
""Next Question: Where Do I Live:  
  
A) Next door to Barney the dinosaur  
  
B) Never Never Land  
  
C) The Q Continuum  
  
D) On that ugly dry planet revolving 40 Eridani  
  
  
  
"You told us that you lived in the Q Continuum."  
  
  
  
"Correct! Another point for the Vulcan!"  
  
  
  
The lights dimmed again. Spock's stomach was beginning to feel queasy from the constant changing in the lighting patterns.  
  
  
  
"Third Question: Which crewman though it very funny to use antigrav pads to bomb the Captain with rubber bands from the air earlier today?"  
  
A) Lieutenant Sulu  
  
B) Ensign Chekov  
  
C) Q  
  
D) The Klingon Commander  
  
  
  
"That would have been Lt. Sulu,"  
  
  
  
"Correct again, very good Mr. Spock! OOOOOOOk! Folks! Let's move on. Question Four: What is the mission of the Enterprise?  
  
A) To seek and destroy all alien life  
  
B) To seek new life and boldly go yada yada  
  
C) To seek and employ new trial lawyers  
  
D) To seek and assimilate new and improved versions of the female sex into the human race.  
  
  
  
"The mission of the Enterprise is to seek out new life and new…."  
  
  
  
"Right, we get the picture."  
  
  
  
Strange lights and sounds again  
  
  
  
"OK Spock: Question five: what newly discovered disease both shuts down the human nervous system and attacks the red blood cells in a period of one hour.  
  
A) Hepesapothioaminia  
  
B) Xenopolicithemia  
  
C) Neurocalisythemia  
  
D) Jack Daniels  
  
  
  
Spock paused at this one  
  
  
  
"I am unsure of my choice between Hepesapothioaminia and Neurocalisythemia."  
  
  
  
In the audience, Dr. McCoy was bouncing on the edge of his seat and grinding his teeth in frustration.  
  
  
  
"Do you have to go, or something, doctor?" asked Kirk.  
  
  
  
"NO, Dammit, I know the answer to this one!"  
  
  
  
Spock finally came to a decision.  
  
  
  
"I believe I will rely on your offer to ask a member of the audience for assistance."  
  
  
  
"OOOOHHHHH! All right, who?"  
  
  
  
"Dr. McCoy."  
  
  
  
"Very well, Spock."  
  
  
  
Q snapped his fingers and Dr. McCoy disappeared.  
  
  
  
Spock looked at Q with as much admiration as the Vulcan within him would allow. So far, Q had been the only one who had ever been able to get the doctor to do that.  
  
  
  
"This is just a temporary set back I assure you, said Q to the audience, I sent him to the continuum for a moment so my executive producer could check his background. Can't have any illegal aliens or spies on my show."  
  
  
  
With a snap of Q's fingers McCoy reappeared in sandals, kaki shorts, a Hawaiian shirt, straw hat, and a strawberry daiquiri in one hand.  
  
  
  
"Doctor McCoy," asked Spock, "What is the Answer."  
  
  
  
"Hepesapothioamenia!"  
  
  
  
Spock looked at Q.  
  
  
  
"I believe the answer is Hepesapotioamenia."  
  
  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
  
  
"Quite."  
  
  
  
"Can you really rely on the answer of an emotional human?"  
  
  
  
"I believe Doctor McCoy is most thorough in these types of matters."  
  
  
  
McCoy beamed, "I'm never ever ever ever going to let him forget that one Jim!"  
  
  
  
"Correct!" proclaimed Q. "Question Six. I would like to take the time to remind the contestant that he only has two lifelines left."  
  
  
  
"I assure you my memory is most precise."  
  
  
  
"Oh yeah, what did you tell the captain three years ago when he spilled his coffee on LT. Uhura during an ion storm."  
  
  
  
"I told him that emotional embarrassment over spilt coffee was most logical because the situation…"  
  
  
  
"Yeah, Yeah, ok, question six. Back in the twentieth century, there was a rock group called the Eagles who split up. What was the name of their first record when they got back together."  
  
  
  
Rum and Fun: a tribute to Q  
  
You're still as ugly as when I saw you last.  
  
On the road again  
  
Hell Freezes Over  
  
  
  
"I believe that I will call a friend."  
  
  
  
"Ok, who do you wish to contact Spock?"  
  
  
  
"A Human Professor of History currently teaching a course in understanding Terran's at the Vulcan Science academy. Dr. Keridwen."  
  
  
  
"Go for it, but please keep it short," said Q as he handed Spock a cell phone. "The continuum charges outrageous long distance fees."  
  
  
  
"Spock dialed a number and soon a voice came over the other line."  
  
  
  
"Hello! Who ever this is, you're an idiot! I am in the middle of giving a lecture on the value of the emotional relationship in terran culture. You'd better have a good excuse or I'll come and fricassee your butt!"  
  
  
  
"This is Spock."  
  
  
  
"Oh, Spock, Hello, what can I do for you?"  
  
  
  
"What was the name of the first record that the Eagles made when the got back together."  
  
  
  
"Oh, my favorite group! Spock, I didn't know you liked classical music? The name of the record was 'Hell Freezes Over!"  
  
  
  
"Thank you, Keridwen. Will I see you on my next shore leave?"  
  
  
  
"Of course, - pause- that is if you take your next shore leave before I die. I'll be here at the Academy in my super air-conditioned suite if you ever want to get a hold of me!"  
  
  
  
"It will be most pleasurable to see you again, maybe we will have another illuminating conversation about emotion in the terran culture. You are quite an expert in your field."  
  
  
  
"Why Spock, you old flirt, of course!  
  
  
  
Q was begging Spock to cut the call by this time so Spock said farewell to his friend and handed the cell phone back to the super being."  
  
  
  
"Q is going to kill me for that call. This isn't my cell, it's Q's and I promised Q I would take good care of it till Q got back."  
  
  
  
(?)  
  
  
  
"The Answer is 'Hell Freezes Over'"  
  
  
  
"Correct."  
  
  
  
The lights flashed and the music came on. Then all was dark and quiet.  
  
  
  
"We're breaking for a commercial," said Q, "I'll get going again in a minute."  
  
  
  
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$  
  
  
  
Later, after the crew had been forced to listen to advertisements for Q- cola, Q-cheezpuufffss, Q-mouthwash, and what appeared to be a continuum SUV, Q was ready to continue.  
  
  
  
Now Spock, are you ready for the final question. This is worth the fate of the crew of the Enterprise.  
  
  
  
"I am."  
  
  
  
For the last chance saloon, for the whole shebang, for all the moola, Spock, What am I doing here?  
  
  
  
A) Annoying the crap out of you.  
  
B) Trying to get Lt. Uhura to go out on a date with me.  
  
C) Fixing a temporal anomaly that will alter the future timeline of the federation.  
  
D) Retrieving a few of Trelane's lost toys.  
  
  
  
There was a long pause.  
  
  
  
The answer seemed obvious to Kirk. A being with so much power could only be here to cause a drastic problem of fix a drastic problem. If he were here to cause a problem, he probably would have done it by now. If he was here to fix a temporal anomaly, which was the most obvious choice, is made sense that IF the Enterprise was the source of the anomaly Q would have to move it out of existing time and space to fix whatever was wrong.  
  
  
  
"The answer is D. You are retrieving your nephews toys."  
  
  
  
Everyone fell out of their chairs.  
  
  
  
"Spock, are you crazy!" yelled McCoy.  
  
  
  
"I do not believe so, Doctor."  
  
  
  
Q's jaw dropped to the ground. He retrieved it, screwed it back on, and gaped at the Vulcan.  
  
  
  
"How in all of the known, unknown, and theorized universe did you make that ludicrous jump in logic. Are you sure your brain isn't needing a tune up or an oil change, or something? Circuits breaking down?  
  
  
  
"I assure you that I am functioning quite normally. Although, how you could allow Trelane to loose an entire Bird of Prey, is beyond my understanding,"  
  
  
  
"Hey now," cried the offended Q, "I didn't even want to baby-sit him today anyway. If he can't keep track of his own toys then I shouldn't be the one to blame. I am, in fact, doing you an immense favor. If I hadn't decided to correct this little mess, your galaxies Klingon quota would have rose by twenty-five specimens, and we in the continuum all agree that you have enough Klingons to deal with as it is. And the Klingons have enough humans to deal with as it is, so there. We don't interfere either way, at least not at this point in the timeline."  
  
  
  
"Spock, will you please explain!" begged Kirk. He and the rest of the bridge crew were at a total loss as to what was going on. All except for Eliza.  
  
  
  
"Oh I think I get it," she cried, "Those Klingons in the brig, and that Bird of Prey we just left at the neutral zone aren't from our universe. Therefore leaving them with us would create an anomaly that would have never happened in the real timeline of today's events."  
  
  
  
"Oh, well if he wants the Klingons, he can have em." said Scotty, "But what I want to know is what is he gonna do about the damage to the ship. We have about two weeks of repairs left ahead of us."  
  
  
  
"Oh, don't worry, I'll fix your little ship," pouted Q,  
  
  
  
"Wait a second," said Kirk, still confused, "How did you know all of this Spock? To my mind it isn't an obvious deduction."  
  
  
  
"I wouldn't have seen it either Captain, except for one thing."  
  
  
  
"And what was that."  
  
  
  
"The power signature on the Bird of Prey was the same as the power source on the Planet of Gothos. I have only recently been able to confirm my suspicions, and I would have informed you earlier had I known."  
  
  
  
"Well, YOU did know," said the Captain, turning his fury on Q, "Why didn't you retrieve them sooner."  
  
  
  
"You were so entertaining Captain! Death by Rubber Band indeed! Did you really expect me to miss that spectacle you all expertly performed? It was hilarious!"  
  
  
  
Nobody was amused.  
  
  
  
"Oh well," Q snapped his fingers and a rubber band appeared around Spock's ear. "There you go, Spock, I borrowed that during your match. Had to give the little tike something to play with while I was fixing this big mess. It might have been a bad idea because now Trelane wants one big enough to fling planets from the Delta quadrant at his Quantum theory teacher."  
  
  
  
"Spock retrieved the rubber band as the bridge was transformed back to its original state.  
  
  
  
"Goodbye fair friends, your will never remember having met me, nor shall our paths cross again. Thank God, because this ship is beginning to make my head spin. Oh! Somebody on your decorating committee must loovvveeee primary colors!"  
  
And with that, Q vanished.  
  
  
  
Just as the crew was beginning to forget the events of that day, a faint whisper traveled to them through the fabric of space:  
  
  
  
"OOOOH shoot, I forgot to get Spock's autograph!"  
  
  
  
**************************************************************************** ********  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
And that would have been the end of it.  
  
Except for the strange attire of Dr. McCoy, the sorry state of Dr. Serita, the delusions of Lt. Commander Stanton, who insisted Kirk had given her a field promotion, and the vast array of loose objects scattered around the ship. There were rubber bands, paper hats, antigrav pads, king sized pillows, and someone had TP'd the shuttlecraft deck.  
  
  
  
"I don't know what is going on in this ship, but I am the Captain, " ranted Kirk, "and I WILL find out."  
  
  
  
The senior officers were gathered in the briefing room to discuss what happened. All were present and in uniform except for McCoy who refused to change out of his beach clothes.  
  
  
  
"Captain, it may be profitable for us to go back to the start of the day and retrace the events hour by hour." suggested Mr. Spock. "Eventually we will find the discrepancy"  
  
  
  
It seemed like a good suggestion, but no one seemed to remember exactly the same events that the person next to them did. Even the Captain insisted there were little tribble like animals in the turbo lift two hours ago, when nobody else had seen them. McCoy ran around the room scanning every ones brain wave patterns and checking the current radiation levels on board the ship. Chekov insisted that he had been tied up by a Cossack with a hypo spray and wouldn't let McCoy anywhere near him. Stanton still insisted that she had been promoted and remembered to tell McCoy to add to her medical file that she was allergic to phaser stuns. Sulu had a vague dream about being a World War Two British fighter pilot. Uhura smiled at the date she had gone on an hour ago with a rather handsome yet slightly goofy looking man. What was his name again? She couldn't remember, but she thought it started with Q.  
  
Eventually they all settled down, realizing that what ever had happened, they couldn't remember it so it must not have been very important. The ship was not harmed and no one seemed to have suffered any physical determents from the strange experience.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"Everyone gets a little space happy sometimes." theorized Kirk after dinner the next night, "It comes with the job, I suppose."  
  
  
  
"Maybe humans, Captain," added Spock, "Vulcans believe that there is a reason for everything that happens, whether it is known or not. Vulcans do not get 'space happy"  
  
  
  
"Oh yeah!" quipped McCoy, "I don't know about that Spock, there have been a few times where you seemed a little off your rocker to me."  
  
  
  
"I see no logic, Doctor, in comparing me to a chair."  
  
  
  
Then somebody snapped a rubber band at LT. Stanton's behind.  
  
  
  
"Ouch who did that?"  
  
  
  
Nobody answered.  
  
Everybody reloaded.  
  
  
  
And the Enterprise sailed on.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Author's Note: Thanks to my brother who challenged me to write a story all about rubber bands. As you can see my mind kinda wonders a lot. Thanks to my best friend who was forced to read the entire thing in one sitting. And thanks to the men in the white coats who came to get her after that, they were very nice. And thanks to CHEESE. Without cheese this world would not be a very nice place to live in. EX: Macaroni and Cheese, Cheddar cheese, Parmesan cheese. Cheese Pringles, Parmesan Goldfish, Beer Cheese soup, Havarti Dill cheese, Doritos, PIZZA, Cheese puffs, String cheese, Tacos with cheese, Cheese dip, Cheese melts, ANYTHING STUFFED WITH CHEESE, Cheese nips, Fondue, Cheetos, Provolone Cheese, And the Green Bay Packers.  
  
  
  
The End 


End file.
